I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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