I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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