It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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