i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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