11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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