I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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