I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
