He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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