I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
