I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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