I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
