Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
