3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
