Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
