I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
