I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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