what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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