he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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