You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
