Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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