it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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