Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
