just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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