i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
