It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
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why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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