are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
