"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
