if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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