1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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