literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
