I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
