I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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