Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
