the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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