You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My ass is underappreciated
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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