i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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