I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
