I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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