I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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