I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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