Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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