you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
