Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
