There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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