It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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