i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
