I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
