I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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