I'm so fucking centered right now
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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