I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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