I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
