The maid of honor just puked.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
