I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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