I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
