I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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