before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
